I took a pregnancy test yesterday.  Before I go any further, I should probably just say that it was negative.  I'm not pregnant.  Mom - you can breathe a deep sigh of relief (for now).

The day that Sophie was born I told myself that this was it, two are enough for me.  The day after that, I knew that I would want one more.  Every day since, I've felt much the same way.  Except for the past few weeks when things have felt a little crazy.  Lately I've been thinking that maybe it's best to stop while I have things semi-under control.  In our typical style, Marty has been in the complete opposite cycle.  The day Sophie was born, Marty offered to have a vasectomy.  I said we should wait until we knew for sure.  For the past year and a half, I've heard him telling other people that "this is it, two is enough" despite the fact that "we" had agreed to remain open to the idea.  Then about two weeks ago he started talking about having another child, saying that he really felt like he missed a lot of baby time with Sophie.  Now on opposite sides of the same conversation, we agreed to keep thinking about it and to talk about it again soon.

So yesterday when I told him that I was feeling a little weird, in some ways like I did when I was pregnant with Sophie, he sent me straight to Target to get a pregnancy test.  I sent him an instant message about 45 minutes later to let him know that it was negative, followed by a "whew".  And really, that's how I felt.  Sort of.

On the way to Target, I started going through the long list of things that would change.  All the things that we'd go through again.  And I started to get excited. 

Being pregnant again would mean starting to give myself shots twice a day to help counteract the blood clotting disorder that gets worse when I'm pregnant.  Just recently the bruised areas on my legs have become almost invisible, a full year-and-a-half after I completed the last round of daily shots.  This time instead of having to haul around one child while pregnant, I'd have two.  Two that like to wrestle.  I'd definitely have to start looking for some new maternity clothes because I'm SO SICK of the ones I wore during rounds one and two.  And wouldn't you know it, I just unsubscribed to the Gap's maternity clothing email list like a week ago.  We'd have to find out how much more to pay our nanny, Martin would be in pre-school part of the time so maybe we wouldn't have to plan on a huge increase.  I wonder what we'd do about maternity leave now that I'm self-employed.  Maybe with child number 3 I'd finally get the chance to have full control over the baby naming.  Maybe this one would finally look like me. 

Of course, it would also mean that we'd be open to the potential for heartache that starts the moment the pregnancy test comes back positive.  I'll never forget what it felt like when the doctor told me that the reason I was bleeding early in the first trimester was that it wasn't "a viable" pregnancy, and that I had miscarried.  I'll also never forget going in for the ultrasound the next day so that the doctor could better see what the D&C would be like, when the ultrasound technician found a heartbeat.  Sophie's heartbeat.  Or what it felt like when the doctor told us that it was a good thing I went into labor early with Sophie because the cord was wrapped around her neck.  Or how uncomfortable it was when they tried to turn Martin from his breech position, and he wouldn't budge.  And there's always the chance that I'd have trouble with bleeding during the pregnancy just like I did with both Martin and Sophie.  This is very scary, even when it all turns out okay. 

So by the time I actually took the test, I had prepared myself.  I would be okay if the test came back positive.  We would manage.  We'd figure all of it out.

Then, nothing.  It was negative.  I felt a small wave of relief.  That quickly turned to sadness, and I'm not totally sure why.  Logically it doesn't make sense to have another child right now, but I guess that there is a part of me that would still like it to happen.  But for now, our family is full and complete and busy and doing fine with just the four of us.